Take Your Clothes off. Right Now.

~ Words by Vickie Sam Paget, Sky Blue Content ~

Is stripping off in front of a camera good for the soul? Marvellous Mutterings thinks so

Right now I feel about as sexy as my grandma’s false teeth…

Yet here I am, tottering about on four-inch black stilettos and draped in nothing more than a virtually transparent – and ridiculously tiny – black lace baby doll slip.

Lights shine in my eyes. The floor-to-ceiling window behind me is devoid of any form of curtain, and I’m pretty sure that people walking around on the street below can get a cheeky eyeful of my over-generous derriere.

This is my first boudoir photography shoot, and I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

The photographer is doing a very good job of trying to put me at ease and make me feel comfortable in front of the lens – she really is very, very sweet – but seriously, there is this horrible little voice in my head shouting: “CELLULITE! TUMMY! CROOKED TEETH! AGE SPOTS! DOUBLE CHIN! CELLULITE! CELLULITE! CELLULITE!” at me.

Seriously. Can’t I just go home and put my onesie on?

But no, I’m a trooper. So here I am, wiggling my wobbly bum around and trying my very best to pretend I am, in fact, Claudia Schiffer at Lux Portraiture in Vancouver. I’m so out of my depth it’s not funny, but I’m giving it my very best shot.

You see, I am a lady of somewhat ample proportions and I’m certainly no spring chicken, so I’ve never really thought of myself as a sex kitten. Good in the kitchen? Tick. Fun at parties? Tick. Rampant sex kitten? Well, no, not really.

Don’t get me wrong, I DO have the occasional moment, but they don’t usually occur in an unfamiliar room with two strangers – one of whom is pointing a camera at me.

Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. My mother, after all, does read this blog…

Where was I? Oh yes, strutting around in my knickers in broad daylight and getting my photograph taken. Totally outside my comfort zone, but giving it go despite a cringy sensation in the pit of my stomach that’s so overwhelmingly skin-crawling that I could quite happily throw my cellulite-covered self out of the window.

But let me share a secret with you… Something amazing happens when I go back to the studio a couple of weeks later to see the photos from my shoot.

I find myself back at the scene of the crime against photography and when I gaze up at the photos on the big screen before me – I don’t recognize myself.

WHO IS THAT WOMAN?

I don’t know who she is, my inner dialogue shouts back, but I like her.

It’s me. It’s bloody me. I can’t believe it.

What’s the big deal? Well, usually when somebody takes my photograph, I squint and grin and Mother Nature does me absolutely no favours whatsoever with her damn natural lighting and cruel camera angles. However, this professional photographer has caressed me with glorious light, worked some absolute wonders with camera angles (tummy? What tummy?) and she’s even managed to defy the laws of gravity with some very clever shooting perspectives.

I think I love her, because she has provided me with the one thing that the majority of us mortal females never-ever get to experience: a level playing ground with the women in the high-gloss images that we’re all bombarded with all day long every day.

On my way home, I can almost imagine that Angelina Jolie perhaps has a spot of cellulite. And – dare I say it? – that Kate Moss may even have a teeny-weeny tummy.

I mean, no harm to them; I’m sure they are wonderful people with hearts and minds that can make the world a better place. But like a lot of women, I’m sick and tired of being blitzed with images of unattainable perfection. So it’s nice to finally understand that maybe – just maybe – they aren’t all the physically impeccable super-women they appear to be on the billboards and in the magazines.

Which is a realization that’s worth its weight in gold. And it also means that I may, after all, be a tad sexier than my grandma’s false teeth. A tad.

So, my advice to you, you sexy little minx, is to run out there and take your clothes off immediately. Now. No messing about and waiting until your cellulite miraculously disappears or you get your teeth straightened. Take your clothes off in front of a camera as soon as possible.

Trust me, you’ll be magnificent.

Embrace it; love it… And most importantly, embrace yourself and love yourself.

Here are my five top tips for when you strip off..

1. WINE: Yes, drink a glass of wine before your photo shoot. Believe me, it will help.

2. TUNES: On your way there, put some sexy tunes on your iPod to get you into the mood. Get excited!

3. ACCESSORIES: Take a good selection of cute and sexy accessories with you – and think outside the box. What reflects your personality? A friend of mine took one of her boyfriend’s work shirts along with her. How sexy did THAT look contrasted with her skimpiest lacy lingerie?

4. ORANGE IS NOT THE NEW BLACK: Use spray tan at your peril. There’s a good chance you will look like a big orange in front of the lens.

5.  TRUST: Your photographer knows what they’re doing. They’ve done this a million times. So take a deep breath, relax and trust them.

This feature first appeared on our sister Vancouver blog, marvellousmutterings.com.